Uncle Walter's Rants

Obscure moves I enjoy episode 1 -- Churchill: The Hollywood Years

This is an actual movie based on actual characters from an actual war with real quotes and stuff. Worth checking out if you enjoy history, comedy or comedy making fun of history.

-UW

Do you know what bugs me? Parents who can't pickup/drop off their kids properly

Long ago I remember watching Mr Mom with Micheal Keaton and laughing as he struggled with the insanity of pickups one way and drop offs the other at the school for his kids.  Fortunately my little ones attend a school with a consistent routine that makes more sense. Drive around the circle, drop off the kid, move on.  Or, drive around circle, pickup kid, move on. Same way each time.

Well, the other day, I was picking up the kids from school. I was waiting in a line of cars that stretched down the street and this one car at the entrance to the school did not move. Horns blared, angry parents waived starbucks menacingly at the rogue stationary Land Rover. All the other cars had retrieved kids and left, but this one sat still. The School's leaders approached the car and looked frustrated, but ineffective.

We would have gone around it, but that would block the exit and cars kept leaving, we were stuck on a public street waiting for Land Rover parent to figure out how to retrieve a child. I glanced in my rear view mirror and it looked like a scene from Talladega Nights. Every parent was Ricky Bobby, and they just wanted to go fast. Engines revved, but we were stuck on the street sitting. The line of cars stretched far off into the distance. Angry parents in each one.

Finally, after what seemed like, and most certainly was, an eternity a woman leisurely strolled up to the car with two kids and opened the door... for one kid, then walked around for the other kid and opened the door... then got in her self. (Note: these kids were perfectly capable of doing this themselves and appeared as frustrated with the mother as we were) Then she sat and I could see her adjust the mirror, put on her blue tooth headset and finally, at last start the car... and readjust something or another before finally moving on.

Like sands in the hourglass we rushed into the circle. Experienced pros grabbing children with astonishing speed, usually the right ones. That day I had the right number and the right names so I triumphantly took them home. (The Wife is never happy when I grab the wrong ones, or an extra)

But seriously, it's near the end of the school year and you still don't know how to pickup a kid? That's just wrong and it bugs me... a lot.

-UW

20 Great Cartoon Characters

Growing up in the 70's and 80's exposed me to a wide variety of cheap cartoons with good writing and bad cartoons with bad writing.  Now, in my later years, I have gone back, via Netflix, and revisited some of the classics of my youth and a few from today.  After a few months of doing this I have created my list of some of the best cartoon characters. You may disagree with the list, but you are wrong.  This is my list and it is right for me.  Get your own list if you want to complain.

#20 The Cast of Star Trek the Animated Series -- Star Trek the Animated Series

Voiced by the original actors, playing out stories written by the likes of Gene Rodenberry and D.C. Fontana this was Star Trek's Lost 4th season.  While the animation left much to be desired it was the stories that made it work.  At least it gave us all some more Trek magic before Wrath of Kahn (I am skipping The Motion Picture, it was  a tad... dull).

#18 Lisa Simpson -- The Simpsons

The conscious of the Simpson family, she is the one who really gives The Simpson's life. Bart is a one-liner, Homer is a goofball, Marge is tiring, but Lisa persists.  As the moral compass of the family she is the foundation that The Simpsons latches onto.

#17 Optimus Prime -- The Transformers

While Lisa is the concious of The Simpsons, Optimus Prime was the concious of a generation.  Every kid (or at least boy) knew who Optimus was and what he stood for.  First time I ever hear "What would" was in reference to "What Would Optimus Prime do.

#16 Professor Farnsworth -- Futurama

Good news everybody!  Professor Farnsworth made the list!  Farnsworth is the scientist that makes science cool.  Sure he could be content creating robots for Mom's, but instead indulges in his wild and crazy inventions like the finglonger.  He is the enabler that lets characters like Fry and Zoiderg have such great adventures.

#15 Reducto -- Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law

Reducto is the perfect villain.  He makes everyone tiny, is self conscious and attracted to large butts. Best of all he is voiced by Stephen Colbert.  Need I say more? 

#14 Bullwinkle J. Moose - The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show

No cartoon character list would be complete without an entry from the iconic Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. The creative stories, the animation, the joy. They were part of my youth and persist to this day. But out of the whole cast it is Bullwinkle who stands out.  In the chaos of absurdity Rocky tries to make sense of it, but Bullwinkle accepts his world and make us the better for it.

#13 Dot Warner -- Anamainiacs

 

While Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca may not be my favorite of the Warners she deserves a place on my list for her wit, grace and the fact that she is the dot in Warner Brothers.

#12 Jay Sherman - The Critic

Jay Sherman is the embodiment of every pudgy guy who lashes out at bad movies, romance novels or whatever. He is one of the greatest characters ever who inspired me to look at every bad thing I see and state, proudly on my blog, "It Stinks!!!"

#11 A Bill - Schoolhouse Rock

He's just a bill, but he was the start of my government education. Now, as I have aged, I see that all my core historical and government education really started with the magic of Schoolhouse Rock and lonely little bill.

#10 Zorak - Space Ghost Coast to Coast

Zorak is the villian turned band leader who plays for Space Ghost Coast to Coast. His antics make the show worth watching and his stint as Bat-Mantis were priceless. Space Ghost may be the host, but Zorak brings it all together.

#9 Pinky and the Brain - Pinky and the Brain/Anamainiacs

Pinky and the Brain are the perfect pair. The Brain's insane plan's set up the stories and Pinky's brilliance bails him out. Don't agree with me? Watch again, Pinky is the real brain of this operation.

#9 Kreiger -- Archer

Literally scraped from Hitler's boxers, Kreiger is a master mad scientist. He creates fantastic weapons for Archer and Lana, builds cyborgs from corpses or gay people and can hide a body like no one else. And let's not get started on that awesome van.

#8 Scrooge McDuck - Ducktales

Scrooge McDuck was always an inspiration to me. Not because he was rich, but because he could see value where no one else would. He would scour the globe for lost treasure that was ignored for centuries.  Kinda like an animated American Pickers, but with more feathers.

#7 Brian - Family Guy

Brian is the liberal voice of reason of Family Guy. His is an alcoholic aspiring author who harbors a hidden attraction to Lois. He is the perfect balance to Stewie's ravings and he can sing and dance.

#6 Pam - Archer

Pam is the I.S.I.S HR Director, and knowing many Hr Directors I can tell you they can be pretty kick-ass, but Pam takes it a step further. A sex fiend, and apparently fantastic in the bed, Pam has bedded most of I.S.I.S, but her most endearing quality is her varied skills and extensive knowledge of dairy farming. Best of all she is now an active field agent and she deserves it. I hope for more Pam-centric episodes in the future.

#5 Freakazoid - Freakazoid

Sure Batman is fun, but it was Freakazoid who was the superhero for the rest of us. Born of the internet from a gawky teenager he battled the likes of Candlejack with wit and poise. He was funny and awesome and I wish he was back on the air. Often the underrated of the Spielberg WB toons, I found it to be the best of them all.

#4 Tick - The Tick

The Tick, operating with neigh invulnerability, is the best of superheroes out there. He is a fantastic mix of strength with the best catch phrase of all time, "SPOON!!!!". His awesomeness even was even made into a live action series, for a while.

#3 Invader Zim - Invader Zim

Invader Zim is the the perfect character. Ego-centric, failure-prone, and equipped with the worlds best/worst sidekick Girr. His constant attempts to conquer the Earth are thwarted by Dibb and Zim's own ineptitude. 

#2 Popeye - Popeye

 

Popeye is the oldest character to make the list, but still one of my absolute favorites. He is a vintage, man's man who fights to save his girl and do the right thing. While his huge arms suggest tumors, and his speech suggests a stroke his heart is good and true. His power may be derived from a green leafy things, but his real straight is in the fact that his lessons are still relevant today. We all need to protect out Olive Oil and defeat Bluto.

#1 Darkwing Duck/Drake Mallard - Darkwing Duck

Darkwing Duck is the best of all superheroes. He stops crime, uses non-lethal weapons, and raises an adopted daughter. His tireless efforts to protect St. Canard do not go unnoticed to the residents and while he stays in the shadows like Batman he keeps a light heart though it all. He has faced death time and time again and still smiles. He embodies the best of all heros and fathers. While his work is important he still makes time for his daughter and that's something any working parent struggles to do, but with Darkwing it seems easy.

-UW

My journey with Windows 8 or How I learned to hate an operating system

Recently I needed a new laptop and as it is 2013 there were only two options available for an OS at the store.  Mac OS or Windows 8.  My little eBay business is based on Windows apps and the Mac was at least four times the cost of a Windows laptop.  The choice seemed clear, minimal change on new hardware.  So I embarked on my journey with Windows 8 on a shiny new Lenovo.

Historically I was a Mac user and I still love them, but the high price is prohibitive and at this point everything I do workwise is oriented toward the Windows world.  I am a MCSE in Windows NT 4.0 and 2000 with an expertise in MS Exchange 2003.  I ran Win 95, 98, NT 4.0, 2000, XP... not Vista... and 7.  8 Was the next logical choice.

The first frustration came when I couldn't log into the computer.  I had to get to an internet connection and then use a microsoft login to get into it.  Fortunately I had an old hotmail account and even remembered my password so this challenge was overcome fairly quickly, although I do not appreciate Microsoft controlling my user access.  I assume you can change this, but on the first boot there was no choice.  Get on the web and log in or get out.

Once in I got my first look at Windows 8 Metro and couldn't find anything.  Apps lined page after page of apps.  What looked like apps were ads for apps which would install apps as another little icon on another page.  Two hours of trying to figure out how this all worked was fruitless.  Finally I gave up on Metro and went for the traditional desktop button.  Suddenly Windows 8 looked familiar and I felt I could get to work, until I went to click Start.  There was no Start, not anywhere.

On my old laptop Google came to the resuce locating a third party app which restore the start button.  I loaded Picasa and the kindle reader and got ready to work, except things were not working the way they should, or at least I think they should.  From Start I could open Picasa and edit pics, but Win 8 would not hold the file association and every time I tried to double click a jpeg it would ask me what app to use.  The kindle app was horrible.  I had to exit the desktop which is done though some weird zen mouse movement that rips you from the desktop and drops you into Metro where you have to scroll through tiles of apps looking for the one you want to run, in this case Kindle.  Time was wasted clicking bad and forth to find a book quote and copy it to a text file.  IE was a mess.  You could click it from either location but both would drop you back into the desktop and nothing could play the ABC player so I could watch the Oscars on line.  I gave up and used my iPhone to watch.

At this point I was at my end with Metro and the kindle app.  I decided to focus on what I needed to do in the desktop and get the job done, except it wasn't that easy.  My scanner would work to scan one page and then would not scan again until I rebooted.  My old Win 7 laptop dutifully scanned hundreds of pages.  Which cropping photos I had to be careful not to move in a "gesture" and risk being ripped out of the desktop into some other random app like the weather one where there is no obvious way to quit.

This weekend I reached my limit and went back to my old Thinkpad and was able to get work done.  I moved onto my next task, ripping the accursed Windows 8 off of the Lenovo and loading Windows 7 except it was not to be.  Win 8 locked the Bios and would not let the laptop boot off of anything other than Win 8.  More than six hours of googling and tinkering I was left with a Win 8 system that would not become a Win 7 system.  Worse Win 8 somehow became corrupt in the process and was stuck in a "repair" boot loop forcing me to initiate a system restore back to factory settings losing all my data and customization.  Now I am back to loading the Start button and all my tweaks back.

Meanwhile my daughter's and son's computers run Win XP just fine, my Win 7 desktop is rock solid, and my old beat up Win 7 laptop is back to being primary while Windows 8 punishes me for thinking I would be able to buy a new computer and just use it. 

I have officially given up on Windows 8, Microsoft you missed the boat with this one.  at least Vista was an attempt, bit 8 is a disaster.  It may be time to finally jump back to Mac or a Chromebook.

Everything I know about the TV show Supernatural from 5 episodes or less

The Wife has been watching Supernatural and has shared the experience with me in the form of an episode or two and ongoing plot synopsises. Having gleaned a vast amount of knowledge, I have decided to share it with you.

The show stars brothers Sam and Dean, pictured above, but since The Wife tells me more about the show than I see of it, I can't tell who is who, so I will show you how I picture them in my head.

Sam Winchester hunts supernatural things like vampires and demons and evil clowns. He rides in a car that has lots of weapons in the trunk and he's been to hell and back... literally. He loses his soul for a while and becomes a bit of an ass. Later he gets it back, along with a bad case of insomnia.

Dean Winchester works with Sam to stop the bad guys. When Sam went off to hell on holiday with Satan (never got the full gist of that plot-line), Dean hooked up with some lady and became a carpenter with a pickup truck. Later he went back to driving around with his brother, bashing zombies and stuff.

They are not alone in their fight, though. They have an angel friend named Castiel who is played by Misha Collins.

Why do I remember this guy when the main guys are so faint? Because in one episode he played himself, on a TV show called Supernatural, and he tweeted like mad. And then he died. It made an impression. But Supernatural is like Marvel comics. No one stays dead forever, and so he came back. Of course in that episode it was a parallel universe type thing so maybe he stayed dead there, but in the show he lives on and on.  Apparently he lost his memory and married some lady. Oh and I think he got a part-time job as GOD for a few episodes, but that isn't clear.

Sam and Dean have a dad who gave them a binder full of demon stuff (not women).

And then left and then came back, and then died, then un-died, and now I don't know what happened to him. They also have a mentor. His name is Bobby and he is dead.

 

He helped raise them and train them and then got shot in the head. Then he spent an episode running around his own brain, hopping between memories, while his brain melted around the bullet. Then they harvested organs from him or something, and he floated around as a pissed off ghost for a while.

The brothers ride in a car. They like the car and made their father buy it before they were born through some random time travel-y type thing. The trunk has lots of salty guns and it has a car cover. For some reason, which I have not fully grasped, they stop driving it later in the series. Probably because they're getting paid to drive a newer, Chrysler car.

Finally we have the Turducken sandwich.  

These things, which become goo if left out for an hour, turn people into weirdos and make them inedible to vampires, but tasty to leviathans, which I think were born through Misha's belly. In snippets from the show I have heard about these sandwiches more than I expected to.

So, how do these two brothers beat the evils of Turduckens, vampires, and rogue ghost hunters?  With salt. Lots of it. I mean, like, tons and tons. Salt in circles, salt in guns, salt on fries, salt all over the place.

And iron. Ghosts don't like iron or salt. They have a magic gun that kills lots of stuff and a magic knife which kills demons, which, like Turducken sandwiches, are all over the place. For some reason the Earth is crawling with demons and angels who like to kill us, or help us, or ignore us, and occasionally stick us in a Groundhog Day loop of death.

It is up to Sam and Dean, and sometimes other hunters, to keep these things in check. And to deal with the occasional prophet, who translates stuff and gets special angel protection. Or write the Winchester life story in romance-novel-style books that lead to in-show incestuous fan fiction. Each episode they battle some evil dude, get hit on the head, then escape or defeat them. They use blood a lot and somehow heal from all cuts really fast.

So, in my head I envision Jimmy Dean and Sam Oliver (from Reaper) traipsing across the country in the big red car, with their angel friend Misha, flinging salt at supernatural baddies. The ghost of Bob Hope pops up to help them along, or to go all ghost psycho smashing stuff as they read through Grandpa Simpson's journal. All the while they fight the urge to eat Turduckens (which is not an easy task).

Of course then there is the fan fiction where Jimmy and Sam go at each other, kissing and stuff. Apparently in the world of the Tumblr there is this thing called "shipping." "Shipping" is when two characters who are guys are fooling around together and in the land of Tumblr where these things persist everyone gets "shipped." Jimmy with Bob, Bob with Misha, Grandpa with Voldemort, everyone with everything. Even inanimate objects cannot escape. I think The Big Red Car even had a fling in one of these things.

So...

Wait.

Now I'm not even sure what show we are talking about.

Was it Ghost Hunters?

-UW

Oh dear lord someone put me into Fan Fiction!

The Wife put me the romance blogs on Tumblr and someone actually wrote a fan fic.  God help me I think I have been "shipped".

http://wtffanfiction.tumblr.com/post/38111840521/wtf-fanficion-and-bad-romance-novel-quotes-a

UW

A Thrift Shop Surprise! Vintage Feminine Products

The thrift shop has often delivered interesting surprises for me as I search for trinkets and such to sell on eBay. Sometimes I find a roll of toilet paper, a few diapers, a soiled bra, or even the random sex toy. But this is a first. Oh great Gods of the thrift shop, you have delivered unto me 10 StayFree absorbent mini-pads and a box of Rely tampons from the far off time of 1973. Genuine Nixon-era feminine products! For a cost of 75 cents how could I pass up this bargain?

The Stayfree mini-pads box is slightly torn, but unopened. The original price of 29 cents, with a ten cents coupon on the inside panel, was undoubtedly a bargain. The mere fact that this thing still exists is interesting enough. The fact that it was for sale in a thrift shop makes it even stranger.

The directions on the back appear typical and, as I am one who has never used, nor will ever need, feminine products, I assume this is standard fare. After all, how much can absorbent stuff change over the years?

"Rely, it even absorbs the worry.' With its Girl Scout-esque logo, it seems innocent enough. Some Googling determined it came from 1975, so not quite as old as the Stayfree pads. Googling taught me somthing more... sinister about these as well, but more about that later.

The back of this box is freaking awesome! This is, apparently, the first and only tampon made of tiny sponges! Just imagine: hundreds, nay thousands, of tiny Spongebobs roaming your lady parts and sucking up all the menses you care to discharge! Now with fibers! And we all know fibers are excellent and high tech. Yes, they even absorb the worry. Remember... they call it Rely.

Yes, they did name it Rely. The problem is that, not only did they suck up your Aunt Flo, they also sucked up everything else. Specifically, they sucked up the natural moistness of lady bits, making the woman-flesh so dry that removing the tampon could cause vaginal ulcerations. At the same time it increased vaginal fluid viscosity, which created an excellent environment for bacteria to grow. Fresh ulcers allowed the bacteria to enter the bloodstream. Lo and behold we have Toxic Shock Syndrome! Rely was pulled from the market, and Proctor and Gamble spent $75 million telling people to stop using their product and to return the unused portion. Somehow, decades later, I encountered an unopened box.

Just another thrift shop surprise.

-UW

In the mood for chicken

After a long day of running through meetings and requirements you just feel like relaxing and... eating some chicken.  Fried chicken in particular. Not sure why, but that is sometimes the solution to everything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wu2P3R_wC5A&feature=share&list=ULWu2P3R_wC5A

Aww, no embedding on this video, but this is the song playing in my head with my deep fried dreams.

Anyway... been a while since I ranted and you may wonder why. Well Lyme disease sucks and today joint pain is supreme.  It has kept me away from excessive typing and as such has limited some blog posts floating my my little head. But... there are a few out there. I have been looking into some animated bits and God forbid video blogging.  I know, no one may ever gaze upon the awesomeness of UW, but animation has gotten fairly easy so I may give it a try. And I have a few ideas for turning my random song parodies into actual videos, pretty freaky right?  I'll see what I can churn out, maybe become one of those youtube sensations or something.

-UW

 

 

A little rant

It has been a hard day at work.  I had a drink of Vodka to help me relax and The Wife is bringing me Bacon Cheese burgers.  Hopfully I will decompress from the day fully and relax.  Every now and then we all need to just relax and seperate ourselves from the day's pains and relax. 

-UW

This song has been stuck in my head for a solid week!

I swear it has even been the soundtrack to my dreams at night. This is Escape by Rupert Holmes and don't read anything into it.  I am not tired of my "old lady".  It is just stuck in my head and plays over and over and over again. 

 

Escape -- Rupert Holmes

I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long.
Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song.
So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed.
And in the personals column, there was this letter I read:

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me, and escape."

I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean.
But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine.
So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad.
And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half-bad.

"Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape.
At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape."

So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place.
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face.
It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you."
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew"..

"That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape. 
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."